Dear Madeleine,

I am a smart woman with an impeccable work ethic. I get more done in less time that just about anyone I know. The “Exceeds Expectations” box is checked on nearly every dimension of my performance reviews over the last few cycles.

I have been a director in my company for a few years now, and last month I did not get the promotion to AVP that I expected. It is a running joke in the organization that we have so many AVP’s—as in, you have to really not be delivering if you don’t get there in a few years. That is certainly not the case for me, so I finally cornered my boss for an explanation.

He was obviously worried that he might say something wrong, so he beat around the bush for a while. But what I finally got is that apparently I am perceived as too young, bright-eyed, and enthusiastic—and I lack “gravitas.” I had to look it up. To be fair, I am young and I look even younger than I am. I am super extroverted, love connecting with people, and have been called “vivacious.” My friend group nickname for me is “Bubbles.”

I tried to get my boss to tell me what I should change to be considered for a promotion, but he didn’t have much to say about that. He just kept saying “You need to work on your executive presence.”

Where do I start?

Bubbles

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Dear Bubbles,

I want a friend named Bubbles. How delightful you sound. I am sorry that your assets (looking young, having so much energy, being enthusiastic) are working against you achieving your career goals. It tends to be the case that our greatest gifts can have a dark side. I feel bad for your boss, hapless as he is, because this kind of feedback can feel so personal. Since some of it might be connected to your being female, it could also get him in hot water with HR. So he has left you to figure it out on your own. That is pretty common.

Gravitas, according to Merriam-Webster, means: high seriousness (as in a person’s bearing or in the treatment of a subject). Oxford says: dignity, seriousness, or solemnity of manner. Essentially, people with gravitas are seen as expert, experienced, believable, steady, and trustworthy. I have experienced women getting the “gravitas” feedback quite a few times. And yes, it does always seem to be women. Although God forbid that a woman be perceived as dour, humorless, or a party pooper.

I’d love to say “Go ahead and continue to be your authentic self—your brilliance and work ethic will eventually speak for themselves,” but I would be doing you a disservice. Perception of others is not necessarily a true reality, but it is nevertheless a reality, and it is keeping you from getting what you want and deserve. There may be some value in making the effort to shift it. Not in trying to change your nature—I would never wish that on you, and it usually doesn’t work anyway—but in consciously managing your behaviors at work to shift others’ perception of you.

The key is to identify behaviors that make you seem young, overeager, impulsive, or somehow not serious. Ask your partner and your wonderful friends “What do I do that makes me seem young, or not serious, or not believable, or downright annoying?” Promise them you won’t get mad. Your feelings might get hurt a little—but better to know now, don’t you think? It could be very illuminating.

Now choose a few behaviors you think you might be able to notice and stop. Start with one:

1. Notice when you do it.
2. Pay attention to peoples’ reactions.
3. Wonder: What might I do differently? How might I express my opinion, thought, excitement with a little less—bubbliness?
4. Consider what is the shift—from what to what. See some examples below.
5. Try on a new way. You will fail. You will forget. Keep it up and notice how the reaction of others changes.

Once you get a good hold on one behavior, move down your list.

I can rely only on my own perceptions of people who lack gravitas to give you examples of potential shifts. Maybe some of these will resonate.

SHIFT FROM		SHIFT TO
Interrupting others	to	Never interrupting
Thinking out loud, bouncing from idea to idea	to	Preparing your thoughts and outlining them in order
Cracking jokes	to	Not cracking jokes—saving your favorites to share with your friends later
Always jumping in during discussions	to	Waiting until you have something to say that will really make a difference
Repeating yourself because you are so intent that people get your point	to	Making your point and explaining briefly how you formulated your thinking
Talking too much	to	Saying what needs to be said briefly and succinctly
Going off topic without a really good reason	to	Sticking to point, taking notes on important thoughts that are off topic
Getting distracted	to	Maintaining focus on the matter at hand
Moving a lot physically— bouncing, wiggling, touching face and hair	to	Practicing mindfulness, sitting still, and breathing as a way to quiet your thoughts and your body
Wearing super trendy clothes and loud, attention-getting accessories.	to	Adopting a classic, tailored look that complements your best features but doesn’t call attention to them
Giggling	to	Smiling or laughing briefly
Pink or purple hair	to	A hair color found in nature

Here’s the thing, Bubbles—the silver lining of this situation is that it won’t last forever. The beauty of age is that you will gain the benefits of everything you have learned and achieved, and no one will dismiss you for being too young. And when you are the boss, you can still rely on your good behavior habits but allow yourself a little more leeway. You can wear the funkiest glasses you can find. You can guffaw. You can show your tattoos. You can be completely and unapologetically yourself. You will get there—age leaves no one behind. And until you do, direct people’s attention to what matters most about you—your intelligence, your work ethic, your commitment to excellence, and your knowledge and skills.

Effervesce all you want with your friends and family. Fizz away with pals at work who already “get” you, on breaks, offline.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

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