Four Reasons to Use the “F” Word at Work

surprisedIn most workplaces the “F” word is taboo. There are some words you just don’t say out loud and the “F” word tops the list. Leaders, in particular, are afraid to even think about the “F” word, much less say it in public. Experienced leaders have learned that mentioning the “F” word is like opening Pandora’s Box. You flip the lid on that bad boy and you’re in for a world of hurt. Some things, including the “F” word, are just better left unsaid.

I think that needs to change. Leaders need to use the “F” word more. Much more.

I used to be afraid of the “F” word until I learned better. Now I find myself using the “F” word whenever I get the chance. Here are four reasons why it’s important for leaders to use the “F” word – feelings – in the workplace (you didn’t really think I was talking about that “F” word, did you?!):

1. It recognizes reality – People don’t check their feelings and emotions at the office door. Every one of your employees is a walking, talking, bundle of thoughts and emotions that affect the way they “show up” at work. Even though every manager in the world wishes that people kept their personal lives at home and didn’t bring their issues to work, that’s just not realistic. Everybody, including you and me, have issues in our lives that affect our work performance. Maybe it’s a sick child, an ailing parent, marital problems, financial pressures, <insert challenge here>, you name it – we all have ups and downs in life. Effective leaders have learned to be emotionally intelligent and understand the need to manage the whole person, not just the faceless/mindless “worker” that shows up to do a job.

2. It builds trust – There is no more important leadership competency than building high-trust relationships. There is very little chance for success in the leader/follower relationship without a solid foundation of trust. One of the core elements of a trustworthy relationship is “connectedness.” People trust you when they know you care about them as individuals and not just workers being paid to do a job. Acknowledging emotions, maintaining open communication, and recognizing/rewarding people for their accomplishments are key behaviors in building trust. You can’t build trust without using the “F” word.

3. It fosters engagement – Research has shown there are 12 primary factors in creating passionate employees at work. By “passionate” I mean engaged employees that are willing to be good corporate citizens, perform at high levels, and devote their discretionary energy to accomplishing their goals and those of the organization. Two of those 12 factors are relationship-focused: connectedness with leader and connectedness with colleagues. Like the theme song from the old TV sitcom “Cheers” says, “You want to go where everybody knows your name.” People need rewarding interpersonal relationships with their coworkers to be fully engaged on the job. Employees also want and need a supportive and personal relationship with their boss. Of course this varies by personality types and other factors, but everyone wants to have a positive and productive relationship with their leader. You have to talk about feelings if you want to have engaged employees.

4. It helps manage stress – People need an appropriate emotional outlet at work to share their concerns and frustrations. There needs to be a “safe zone” where people can voice their feelings without fear of recrimination, and in order for this to be possible, there has to be a high level of trust. Admittedly this can be scary. If there aren’t proper boundaries in place, venting can quickly turn into gossiping, whining, complaining, and general negativity. That’s why I think it’s important for leaders to take charge on this issue and create a culture where their people feel safe in coming to them to share these concerns. People are going to vent about their frustrations whether the leader chooses to be involved or not. Why not be purposeful about creating a system, process, or structure to positively channel these feelings? (Oops, there I go…using the “F” word again.)

The world at work has changed dramatically over the last 25 years. The “F” word used to be off-limits. Everyone understood that a person showed up for work, punched the clock, did their job, punched out, and went home. There was no namby-pamby talk about feelings, engagement, well-being, or happiness at work. You want to be fulfilled? Get a hobby outside of work. That will fulfill you.

Nowadays there is much less separation between a person’s personal life and work life. Technology has blurred the boundaries between those areas and it’s created new dynamics in the workplace to which leaders have to adapt. Whether you like it or not, leaders have to know how to deal with feelings in the workplace. Get used to it, you’re going to have start using the “F” word more. Much more.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

18 thoughts on “Four Reasons to Use the “F” Word at Work

  1. I often find that if you reveal your emotions, or feelings people tend to view you as overly emotional, just from one interaction…. Yet many times our feelings about projects, or how we are interacting with others colleagues or customers greatly determines outcomes of those projects….

    I for one never reveal my emotions to my superiors, for the simple fact as a woman, i would be dismissed as just being emotional…

    • You make an excellent point Angie. Emotions have to be shared and dealt with in reasonable and appropriate ways in the workplace. I’m not suggesting the workplace become a counseling center, but I do believe leaders have to take into account the role feelings and emotions play as they manage their people.

      Thanks for sharing your insights,

      Randy

  2. Another F word leaders need to use more is Fun! Fun at work leads to a rise in productivity and joy, when you have fun you’re more likely to share your feelings and they will be more positive.

    • I agree! Fun is a critical element for a healthy workplace culture. We spend 2/3 of our waking hours and work and making it more fun does us all good.

      Thanks for commenting Fran.

      Randy

  3. Feelings change the “rules of engagement” in company interactions. They introduce vulnerability instead of competitiveness in communication and I have seen this kind of vulnerability (modeled from the top of our organization) deeply alter the course of our corporate culture from a cover your backside, petty, excuse making, blame shifting poorly performing company toward a responsible, accountable, vision casting quest for excellence. There are still burps of regression along the way but wow, a little honesty about feelings seems to have gone a long way.

    • Thanks for your comments Ray. It’s great to hear of your first-hand experience of culture transformation through the recognition of the emotional side of work.

      Best wishes,

      Randy

  4. I am so happy someone came out and said all the things you have written. The cobcept that people leave their feelings at the door is over, and probably should never excited.
    Number 1 we are humans whose lives have been taken over by work. Obviously business is important and work neccesary. It is not however life. Engage with,be interested in and care about your people and they will do wonders.

    • Hi Tom. I glad you found this helpful. Work and life are so integrated these days that it seems naïve to think we can totally separate the two. Leaders have to be skilled in handling both the technical and people side of managing others.

      Take care,

      Randy

  5. I understand your rational Randy however I would beg to differ. Using the “f” word could offend some team members and erode trust and integrity within a group or between two team members. I wouldn’t want to test to find out so I argue it is best to reduce the risk and find another key word that may not be offensive to someone. Good topic and great post Randy!

    • Thanks for your comments Michael. This particular “F” word – feelings – is indeed offensive to many people!

      I’m glad you enjoyed the post!

      Best regards,

      Randy

  6. I think expressing one’s feelings is very important, but even more important is understanding them. I really liked the “f”word title-very catchy, which means all people clicking on this one have often had the fantasy of using the original “f” word at their workplace! Handling feelings whether your own or others’ is an art as is being true to oneself without alienating yourself.

    • You’re right on Marianna. Acknowledging and expressing feelings in the workplace is pretty useless unless you understand them. Thanks for taking the time to add your insights.

      Take care,

      Randy

  7. Are we dumbing down the organization by enabling the “f” word to become acceptable vernacular. How does this interface with organizational values like respect? It seems to me there are so many other options available to achieve the same outcome of letting people know how you feel without going down that rabbit hole.

    Just my thoughts.

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