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4 Steps to Help Whiners Get Unstuck
Two years ago I was in Kenya doing some volunteer work when our van got stuck in the mud on the way to visit one of the local schools. We tried everything to get unstuck but nothing worked. We needed help.
In the workplace as well as other areas of our lives, we sometimes encounter people who apparently are stuck in the mode of complaining and unwilling to move toward resolution. I have discovered a simple process to help complainers move from whining to action.
1. Hear them out. First, hear them out one more time. When they complain again—and you know they will—take the time to listen to them, giving them your full attention and energy. It is best to do this in a private setting where neither of you will be distracted.
2. Summarize their issue. Next, when you are sure that you understand the problem at hand and the other person feels heard, interrupt them if necessary and gently say, “Let me make sure I fully understand.” Restate the situation and their frustration as you see it. For example, if they have been complaining about being micromanaged, you might say, “What I’m hearing is that you are frustrated because your boss is micromanaging you.” Get their agreement to your summary—but do not let them continue with their rant.
3. Help them consider their options. Now ask this magic question: “Understanding that this is the situation, what are your options?” In a best-case scenario, they will have some ideas and you can help them come up with an action plan. Chances are, however, that they are too stuck to think of any options. If so, lead with some ideas of your own and solicit their feedback. Either way, help them consider their options and decide on their next steps.
4. Make them accountable for next steps. To add an element of accountability, at the end of the conversation summarize the agreed-upon action plan. Ask the person when they plan to take the first step and set up a date and time to check in with them
What do you do if, despite all your efforts, the other person refuses to move on and seems as if they want to stay stuck?
At this point, I suggest a few options:
- Try to help them understand the effect being stuck is having on them and on those around them. Hopefully, you can stir them to action.
- Refer them to someone else for counseling. Perhaps the HR department has some options for them.
- Remember to take care of yourself. It may be time to ask yourself: Is this relationship worth the emotional drain I experience each time we are together?
I hope these thoughts help you to move others to action. Let me know any other ideas you have to help others get unstuck.
About the author:
John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership. You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.
Free Blanchard webinar today! The Leader’s Guide to the Executive Brain
Join master certified coach Madeleine Homan Blanchard for a complimentary webinar and online chat beginning today at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time (12:00 noon Eastern).
In a special presentation on The Leader’s Guide to the Executive Brain Homan-Blanchard will be sharing the latest findings from neuroscience research and its impact on leader behavior.
You’ll learn:
- The Six Surprising Truths about Your Brain—find out what your brain needs for optimal functioning, what stresses it, and how to manage situations when you are overwhelmed or exhausted.
- Seven Laws of Extreme Brain Care—how you can arrange your workday to make better decisions and achieve new levels of self-control.
- Creating the Brain-Friendly Environment—the six critical dimensions that must be managed to help you—and your people—fire on all cylinders.
The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 800 people expected to participate.
Immediately after the webinar, Madeleine will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes. To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.
Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat
- Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
- Type in your question
- Push SUBMIT COMMENT
It’s as easy as that! Madeleine will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received. Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.
We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies. Click here for more information on participating.
Poor leadership behavior? It might be your brain’s fault—here’s why
“Every task we perform that requires executive functions like planning, analytical problem solving, short- term memory, and decision making is handled by the prefrontal cortex of our brain,” says Madeleine Homan-Blanchard, master certified coach and co-founder of Coaching Services at The Ken Blanchard Companies in a new article for Ignite!.
“It’s where we choose our behaviors and then act according to how we choose. But in order to keep our brain operating effectively for ourselves, we have to keep our prefrontal cortex nourished and well-rested,” explains Homan-Blanchard.
“Our prefrontal cortex is a resource hog in terms of glucose and rest. Its performance is also impacted by hydration, exercise, and sleep. In some ways it’s like a gas tank. Every decision we make—from the mundane to the most critical—uses up a little bit of gas.”
“That’s why it is so important to know yourself and know how to schedule certain kinds of activities when your brain is going to be at its best. You want to schedule planning, brainstorming, and other creative activities while your brain is fresh. What you don’t want to do is schedule a meeting or a challenging conversation where you’re going to have to use a lot of self-control at the end of a brutal day.”
The one time when no answer is the best answer
Roy Baumeister, professor of psychology at Florida State University and co-author of the best-selling book, Willpower, says that the people who are known for making the best decisions are usually considered the most well-balanced and the smartest people. But, he notes, what may be really be true about those people is that they just know when not to make to make a big decision.
Homan-Blanchard echoes that opinion and also has some advice for couples.
“You know the old adage that in marriage, you shouldn’t go to bed angry? Well, that’s wrong—especially for couples who work a lot, have kids, and have bills piling up. Having a serious discussion, and trying to reach resolution to an argument, late at night, is really a bad idea.”
So is forging ahead when someone comes running into your office demanding a big decision at 6:30 in the evening when you’re packing up and walking out the door, explains Homan-Blanchard. “The only decision for a leader to make in that position is to wait until the morning, because, chances are, you are not capable of making a good decision in that moment. Unless you’ve previously thought about it, made the decision, and just haven’t reported it back, that’s different. But if you actually haven’t made the decision yet, it is unwise because it simply won’t be the best decision.”
Three strategies for better decision-making
For leaders looking to improve the quality of their thinking and decision making, Homan-Blanchard recommends a couple of strategies.
- Set limits. Identify your best times for creative, innovative, and challenging work situations. Create, protect, and utilize those times for your most difficult tasks.
- Create processes and routines. The more routine that you can create for yourself, the more “gas” you can save for other decisions.
- Practice extreme self care. Don’t underestimate the importance of proper rest and good nutrition.
Clear, calm, well-reasoned thinking is a hallmark of all good leaders. Don’t forget the physical dimension of mental processes. Take care of your brain so it can take care of you.
To read more of Homan-Blanchard’s thinking and advice check out her complete interview here. Also take a look at a webinar that she is conducting on April 3, The Leader’s Guide to the Executive Brain. It’s free, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.
Do you have a customer service mindset? 3 ways to find out
Here’s a little game for you. Finish the following phases:
- “Do unto others as you would have _____ ___ _____ ____.” (Yes, the Golden Rule)
- “Beauty is in the eyes of ____ _________.”
- “If it were me, this is what __ ______ ___.”
I trust you were able to complete these very common sayings. While well meaning and mostly true, these are not just sayings, they are mindsets. They are beliefs that determine behavior and how we act toward other people. This is all fine except when it comes to service.
Find your focus
In my last blog, I said that service was all about you: your willingness to serve, your decision to serve, your instinct to serve. But what you do—your actual behavior and how you approach a situation—has to be about the customer, if you are genuinely interested in wanting your customer to feel served.
In their original form, these sayings all sound as if they are actually focused on the customer. However, with careful analysis, you will see how they are not:
- “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (There’s an assumption here that everyone wants to be treated the way you want to be treated. Not necessarily so!)
- “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” (Guess what? The beholder is you. The customer might see the situation in a completely different way!)
- “If it were me, this is what I would do.” (Oh, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we were all just like you!)
A better approach
If you were to finish those sayings with the customer in mind, they might sound something like this:
- “Do unto others as they want to be done unto.” (Ah yes, The Platinum Rule!)
- “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholden.” (Much better!)
- “If it were me, this is what….” (On second thought—rid your vocabulary of this one altogether!)
At least the first two can be “spun” to focus on the customer. But the last one—“If it were me, this is what I would do”—is one of the most dangerous phrases in the English language. It’s all about you in the worst possible way.
It is advocacy disguised as choice. It completely blocks you from understanding or giving any consideration to how other people think, feel, make decisions, or in any way might act differently than you would in a given situation. Unless you’re giving casual advice to a friend, stay away from this one.
A one word reminder
So what’s the cure for, “If it were me, this is what I would do” syndrome? In a word, LISTENING.
Listen to understand. Listen to be influenced. Listen to learn. And when you’ve felt that you’ve heard enough—listen just a little bit more—it really is the best way to put yourself in the customer mindset!
About the author:
Ann Phillips is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Ann’s posts as a part of our customer service series which appears on the first and third Thursday of each month.
Make Time for Personal Renewal—4 Strategies for the New Year
“When people don’t take time out, they stop being productive.” ~ Carisa Bianchi
I started experiencing back pain around the time I turned 50. When I went to the doctor she told me, “John, you are at that age where every morning you will wake up with pain somewhere.” Wow! Talk about a wake-up call. Luckily, she didn’t leave it at that. She also gave me some specific stretching and strengthening exercises to help with the pain—and when I take the time to do them, they do help.
The reality is that without care and attention, things break down – our bodies, our minds, and our relationships. As we start this new year, I suggest that we each increase our capacity by taking time to regularly renew ourselves in each of the four dimensions of life – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
- Increasing or maintaining your physical capacity includes getting regular physical activity, taking time for rest and relaxation, eating a balanced diet, and doing other activities that revitalize the body and give you energy. For many, getting too little sleep is a culprit. Remember what Andy Rooney said: “Go to bed. Whatever you’re staying up late for isn’t worth it.”
- To increase your mental capacity, consider activities such as keeping a journal, reading, taking up a hobby, or continuing your education—anything that broadens and strengthens the mind. Be a student of whatever field you choose. Read voraciously. Mark Twain stated: “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.”
- Activities that increase your emotional capacity can include regular social activity with friends and family, learning to listen with empathy, valuing the differences in others, increasing your circle of friends, and forgiving yourself and others. Forgiveness can be a power tool for increasing emotional capacity. As Lewis Smedes said: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
- Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, authors of The Power of Full Engagement, define spiritual capacity as “the energy that is unleashed by tapping into one’s deepest values and defining a strong sense of purpose.” Your spiritual capacity is a powerful source of motivation, focus, and resilience. You may build your spiritual capacity by connecting with nature, reading inspirational literature, living in integrity, listening to uplifting music, engaging in meditation and/or prayer, or other activities that nourish the soul.
Author Rumer Godden may have said it best: “Everyone is a house with four rooms: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.”
What are some things you plan to do in the new year to renew yourself?
About the author:
John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.
“Mankind was my business.” (A leadership lesson from the ghost of Jacob Marley)
What is the purpose of a business? Search the internet for an answer and you will find different opinions. Many economists would say the purpose of a business is “profit maximization.”
Peter Drucker said the only valid purpose for a business is “to create a customer.” Yes, profits are necessary, but Drucker adds that “the customer is the foundation of a business and keeps it in existence. He alone gives employment.”
What does Wiki Answers say? According to Wiki, “the purpose of a business is to fill a need. Money comes after.”
These are all well and good. And yes, profits ARE necessary.
However, in Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol, the ghost of Jacob Marley warns Ebenezer Scrooge of the perils of focusing only on profits at the expense of his responsibility to others. He tells Ebenezer:
“Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!”
So… what is the business of any leader? To make a difference in the lives of others– employees and their families, customers, suppliers, and even shareholders. Yes, we need to ensure the organization is profitable AND do well by our fellow men and women.
During this holiday season, what can you do to demonstrate that mankind is your business? Let me know your ideas.
About the author:
John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.
Free Blanchard webinar today! Building Trust: 3 Keys to Becoming a More Trustworthy Leader
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Join trust expert Randy Conley for a complimentary webinar and online chat beginning today at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time (12:00 noon Eastern).
In a special presentation on Building Trust: 3 Keys to Becoming a More Trustworthy Leader, Conley will be exploring how leaders can improve the levels of trust in their organization by identifying potential gaps that trip up even the best of leaders.
Participants will learn:
- How to get it right on the inside first
- The 4 leadership behaviors that build or destroy trust
- The 3 keys to creating trusting relationships
The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 500 people expected to participate.
Immediately after the webinar, Randy will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes. To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.
Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat
- Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
- Type in your question
- Push SUBMIT COMMENT
It’s as easy as that! Randy will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received. Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.
We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies. Click here for more information on participating.
Employees Not Accountable at Work? They probably have a good reason—3 ways to find out
Accountability, accountability, accountability. It’s an issue that comes up time and again as leaders and HR professionals think about the one underlying challenge in their organizations that holds performance back. It’s a silent killer that operates below the surface in organizations and it’s tough to address.
A best-selling business book (and one that I had never heard of until earlier this month) addresses a key piece of the accountability issue. Leadership and Self-Deception was first published in 2000 and then re-issued as a second edition in 2010. The book has sold over 1,000,000 copies since it was published and sales have grown every year since it was first “discovered” by HR, OD, and change practitioners.
What makes the book so different (and hard to describe) is that it looks at work behavior as fundamentally an inside-out proposition. We basically act out externally what we are feeling inside. Bad behavior externally—doing just enough to get by, compliance instead of commitment, and putting self-interest ahead of team or department goals—are justified because of the way that that colleagues, managers, and senior leaders are acting in return.
The folks at The Arbinger Institute, the corporate authors of the book, call this “in the box thinking” and they believe it is the root cause of many of the problems being experienced at work today.
Is your organization stuck “in the box?”
Wondering if negative attitudes inside might be causing poor accountability on the outside in your organization? Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself.
- Where are the trouble spots in your organization? Where are people getting the job done but it seems to always be at minimum level of performance—and with a low sense of enthusiasm and morale?
- What are the possible attitudes and beliefs among members of that team or department that make them feel justified in their behaviors? Why do they feel it is okay to narrow the scope of their job, focus on their own agenda, and do only what’s required to stay out of trouble—but not much more?
- What can you do to break the cycle of negative thinking that keeps people “in the box?”
Climbing out of the box
Surprisingly, the answer to breaking out of the box starts with expecting more of yourself and others. People climb into the box when they decide to do less than their best. The folks at Arbinger describe this as “self-betrayal” and it sets in motion all sorts of coping strategies that end up with self-focused behaviors. Don’t let that happen in your organization. Here are two ways that you can help people see beyond their self interests.
- Constantly remind people of the bigger picture and their role in it. Set high standards and hold people accountable to them.
- Second, and just as important, provide high levels of support and encouragement for people to do the right thing. Make it easy for people to put the needs of the team, department, and organization ahead of their own. Look at reward, recognition, and compensation strategies. Look at growth and career planning. What can you do to free people up to focus on the needs of others instead of themselves?
Change behavior by changing beliefs
Accountability is a tough issue to address because most people feel justified in their actions and opinions. Don’t let your people self-justify their way into lower performance. It’s not good for them and it’s not good for your organization. Lead people to higher levels of performance. Help people find the best in themselves.
Customer Service—it can’t be about THEM until it’s about YOU
There’s a common misconception that customer service is all about the customer. Surprise—it’s not necessarily so. Service is definitely for the customer—internal or external—but it’s about you, the service provider.
“What?” you may be asking. “No, it’s about my client.” True … kinda. But it can’t be about them until it’s about you.
The service experience begins and ends with you. That experience is primarily within your control. You get to decide the kind of experience you want it to be. It’s your vision, values, and behavior that drive the service experience.
A case in point
Many years ago, on February 14, I was flying from Chicago back home to San Francisco. I remember the day not only because it was Valentine’s Day, but because I had a reason to be excited that it was Valentine’s Day. (HA!—a rare occasion at that time in my life.)
I arrived at Chicago O’Hare Airport in what I thought was plenty of time to catch my flight, only to discover that I had misread my flight time as my boarding time. Now, instead of being early, I was running late. Once through security, with my briefcase and coat in one hand and my purse in the other, I started running to my gate. As I was running, a felt someone take my briefcase.
I stopped, looked up, and a guy with his hand on my briefcase said, “Where are you goin’?”
I said, “To Gate 75.”
He said, “Let’s go.”
He then took my briefcase and coat and ran all the way to Gate 75 with me. Once we arrived, he handed me my briefcase and coat, wished me well, and left.
Thinking beyond the job description
I don’t know who he was or what he did at the airport. From the jumpsuit, my guess is that he worked in engineering, facilities, or something of that nature. My guess is also that no place in his job description did it say, “When you see a woman running frantically through the airport with a coat and briefcase in one hand and a purse in the other, stop whatever you’re doing, take her coat and briefcase, and run to Gate 75 with her.” I would wager big bucks those words did not exist in his job description anywhere—but he did it anyway.
Service experiences are visceral. What will that experience feel like, look like, and sound like, with you? As a trainer, facilitator, speaker, and consultant, I want to leave participants feeling inclined, compelled, perhaps even inspired to act—to learn more, share information, try something new, DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!
So, decide:
• What’s your goal for the service experience?
• How do you want to leave people feeling?
• What do you want people saying about you?
Since decisions can become behaviors and behaviors can become instinct—decide carefully.
About the author:
Ann Phillips is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Ann’s posts as a part of our customer service series which appears on the first and third Thursday of each month.
Mindfulness at Work—3 ways to get started
Being aware of what is happening to you in the present moment without judgment or immediate reaction. It sounds so simple. The noticing and awareness part is one thing—but without judgment or immediate reaction? This requires practice: To notice when someone is pushing your button and take it in as information, but to not get caught up in the emotion of it. To be an observer of yourself in the world and not judge if what you observe is good or bad.
We are so caught up in the “busyness” of life, that practicing Mindfulness appears antithetical to producing the results and productivity required in our roles. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.
When you notice and are aware of what is happening without judgment, you release yourself from patterns of behavior based on past experience, your dispositional tendencies, and your prejudices that limit your response. When you do this, you have a myriad of choices for how to respond or react. When mindful, you are able to choose a higher quality experience from your now unlimited choices. The benefits to your own health, success, and productivity are rewards enough.
Practicing Mindfulness
Ready to practice some Mindfulness in your own life? Here are three ways to get started:
- Consider an important goal, task, or situation you currently have on your priority list.
- Notice the physical sensation in your body that occurs just by thinking about it. Does your stomach turn, your jaw clench, your chest tighten, your forehead frown? Do you break into a smile, have butterflies in your stomach, or feel your pulse race? Your body notices how you feel before you do!
- Now notice the emotion attached to the physical feeling. Is it positive or negative? That’s judgment. An emotion is your opinion of the physical sensation you are experiencing. What if you were to let go of it and simply notice? This would present you with a myriad of more choices than the one that so automatically came to your awareness.
Ripple effect with others
Donna, a participant in a recent Optimal Motivation workshop, told me that a major action step she committed to at the end of the session was to practice Mindfulness at work. Being a woman in a leadership role in a manufacturing environment, Donna described herself as extroverted, strong, vocal, and quick to react. She began taking a breath before calls and meetings; rather than immediately reacting to people and situations, she observed what was happening as “data.”
Donna reported that after a month of this practice her 17-year-old daughter said to her, “Mom, you seem really different; calmer.” Donna was amazed that her practice had filtered throughout her life and that even her teenage daughter had noticed.
I hope you will experiment with Mindfulness. Google it. Check out the research by Kirk Warren Brown. Travel to India and study with a yogi. Or better yet, join us for an Optimal Motivation session and discover how Mindfulness can help you experience greater energy, vitality, and sense of positive well-being.
About the author:
Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop. Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.
